Ugly Sweaters

As the Holidays are soon approaching, the time to don our gay apparel is now! And what better way than with the ugly sweater, which is almost as traditional as eggnog and tinsel. Common in this time of cheer is the "ugly sweater party" which fosters a competitive environment of who can find the most hideous sweater. Most ugly sweaters are acquired either from older relatives or from thrift shopping at stores like Goodwill and The Salvation Army.

Qualities of a good "ugly sweater"

Pattern:
There are essentially two types of ugly sweaters, sweaters with abstract patterns in awkward clashing colors and sweaters typically associated with your grandma, usually donning cats, dogs, Santa Claus,  reindeer, snowmen, snowflakes, angels or messeges of love like "its snow wonder I love my grandkids!" (yes, I have a sweater from Goodwill that says this. Grandma sweaters are more appropriate for the holidays, while your abstract patterned sweater is good for any time of year you want to feel like a hipster. (although, grandma sweaters are pretty hip too, when worn properly).

Fit:
Although your sweater might be awkward, it shouldn't fit you awkwardly. You will pull look and master the art of the ugly sweater if you choose your sweater carefully, fitting you right will bring more attention to the pattern and less to how your shape is engulfed by this massive clothing item. This rule may be broken if the sweater is exceptionally ugly, and must be displayed regardless of how it fits you.

How to find the right ugly sweater


Secondhand stores like Goodwill and The Salvation Army are a haven for these outcast sweaters. At one time, they may have been a fashionable thing to wear. I was born in 1994, so I don't know if the world was at one time populated with holiday cheer and crocheted love in the form of the sweater. These sweaters were given new life when the ugly sweater became a symbol for ironic cool when the ugly sweater party was invented and hipster culture began to spread. The stock of high quality ugly sweaters runs low when you approach the holidays, as these parties tend to occur more often in the winter months. The solution: stock up in the spring and summer, when the sweater section is barely touched. Then, you can get your holiday shopping done early.

This is what heaven is like.